Book Burning

Ok, so maybe I didn’t exactly burn the whole book but in the interest of spring cleaning,

and preparing to take an artist summer sabatical working in another area of the country I invested some time tearing out the pages and burning the edges of various spiritual, religious and science texts including Sri Isponisad, The Bhagavad Gita, The Wisdom of No Escape, The Science of Mind, the Bible and a text book on the Universe laying them to create a jig saw puzzle effect for a new series of pieces. This piece is called:

Actions Speak Louder than Words here’s a short video of the creation process:

27 inches x 27 inches on board

$140.00

Shipping in USA Included

$40 dollars of the sale of this piece will be donated to Saving Our Sisters, a grassroots organization which helps support expectant mothers through emotionally and financially challenging pregnancies.

To inquire about purchasing this piece please email mswenderful@gmail.com with Actions Speak Louder than Words in the subject.

Thank you.

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Its in Our Heads and In Our Hearts

They say it is in our heads and it is, but it is also in our hearts.  I’ve struggled so very much to let go over the last 4 years and its hard to put into words how it feel like I physically can’t, but this link helps explain it, at least it does to me.  A part of all my children always remains with in me.

I’ve never cared one bit, about material things,  I like dancing, reading, writing, creating art, spending time with people I care about, this is my entertainment, a great side effect is its mostly free, can take place right at home, out and about, alone or with others.

Electronics, gadgets, televisions, the latest phone, app, video games, or any other outside entertainment devices don’t interest me much. Sure I enjoy a video, movie,  internet or outside entertainment now and then but I could, and often do, go without them quite easily. I do enjoy electronics as tools to assist my own creativity.

I tried to get away from it all  in 2013, that trip turned out to be much more intense, full of challenges, and obstacles, trying to help myself and also others, this one at last, in gratitude and love, is just for me.

Getting in touch with me again, my own visions for my future, to stop being so hard on myself for feeling like I really, really messed up, for feeling like I can’t be there for everybody in the way they want or expect me to be,  especially my children, I want the very best for them always, and to forgive myself for not being all I’d like to be right now, I’m still pretty darn ok with me.  Its been a long hard few years, I know I am getting there, actually making really good progress and I am excited to have options.  Yellow Green Farmers Market or an individual gallery?  Where will the next stage of my artist career end up? The time to decide is coming soon,  I’m looking forward to it and feeling blessed for the time to decide at exactly the right time. 

 A break from trying to figure how to make everyone but me happy,  to tune back into my dreams for myself, for my family and eventually, hopefully to help mothers in need.   Just because I’m not there right now doesn’t mean I don’t wish I was sometimes, it will all come together eventually.  We don’t start college with our dream job secured for graduation day, its really not that different with other things we hope to accomplish in life. 

Away from the noise, the daily grind, televisions, sirens, peoples opinions, differences, perspectives, wants, needs, demands, social occasions, commitments, deadlines, obligations, the general hustle and bustle of the city. I am doing what I  needed to do for myself,  even though I’ve done this a couple a other times in my life, take a chance on getting to see my kids, and them to see me, and get on with living my life  with the best possible attitude, until the next opportunity arises, which sounds like its coming this summer.  

Wow, I needed this little break. I feel like a new person.

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Waiting till Summer

My children elected to say they are not ready for now. I let them know another friend has offered to travel with me during the summer to try again.  They said maybe summer was better, all by text message.

I suppose I could be  frustrated, pissed off, wonder this and wonder that, and of course for a moment I was, and did those things.  I vented my frustrations and sadness in a conversation with my friend, I cried too.  Infact reiterating it here now a hot tear or two rolls down my cheek.  I’m not afraid to say so, I am only human.  I am glad I took the chance and tried, none the less, there is no side trip to take today.  I will look forward to trying again in the summer, the past is gone, the future is coming.

Deep breath, exhale. Repeat, often.

So now I am on my way to a smaller northern town with my friend, where  I will be the guest of her family for the next couple weeks.  I am looking forward to a break from the noise of the city in which I live.  It will be nice to see some new scenery, utilize the time to work remotely, and focus on me for awhile.

My two oldest sons are home handling the apartment, day to day stuff, and taking care of the cats.  Yes, a blessing and an opportunity to take a little break for me, something I haven’t been able to do in quite a long time, for it I am grateful.

Fuel for opening minds…

Just this morning I was thinking about catalysts and egos.  Where do they fit in with the adoption issues which I feel compelled to educate about, although scared to  do so sometimes.   Am I the ego or am I standing up to the combined ego of societies beliefs, adoption propoganda and archaic laws?  It’s a continuous struggle with in, all I can do is follow my heart and my heart says….. assist, educate, speak my truth, let go of fear. Where do your beliefs about adoption come from?

Are you adopted or a father or mother who is separated from her child by adoption?  Do you know only what you hear in advertisements? Give a better life to the baby, its a loving choice, get crisis pregnancy help, which by the way,  no pregnancy is a crisis unless you treat it as one,  please stop doing that to women, regardless of thier age whether it be 16 or 39, its hard enough being pregnant in a supportive environment, creating a crisis environment is unfair and emotionally abusive so cut it out.

If you want to learn more about adoption from people who have experienced its long term effects directly please visit the pages below.  Be prepared you might hear some personal accounts, thoughts and feelings not generally associated with the traditional marketing materials. Is adoption a loving choice or a form living genocide?

Saving our Sisters

Is Adoption Trauma

Attorneys Against Unlawful Adoptions

Mothers of  Loss (to adoption)

International Association of Survivors of Adoption Loss

Search Angel Priscilla Sharp  (helps reunite people separated by adoption)

Concerned United Birthparents

Musings of a Birthmom

Mommas House (helps young women succeed as mothers)

How Does it Feel to be Adopted

Adopted.com 

 

 

 

 

How Did I Let this Happen

While doing this research I began to realize that not only was I accepting responsibilty for my actions, I was accepting responsibility for others actions as well.  It seems to be the way the great american adoption system is set up, blame the mother, blame the mother, blame the mother even if she was no where near her right mental capacities when making life altering choices and those around her may have known it.

I researched the effects of pregancy and hormones on the body during pregnancy, labor, birth and post partum and discovered that oxytocin (known as the love hormone) can also create feelings of trust and along with that, trusting people you ordinarily wouldn’t.  Oxytocin can also cause feelings of fear.

I researched natural endorphins and discovered they have morphine like effects on the body.   I researched sleep deprivation, (“Judgment is affected, memory is impaired, there is deterioration in decision making, and a decline in eye-hand coordination,” Cralle said. “You’re more emotional, attention is decreased, hearing is impaired, and there is an increase in your risk of death from a fatal accident.” )  stress hormones (Levels of cortisol and norepinephrine increase in response to stress; these hormones also influence thought processes) and  adrenaline and its fight or flight response and started coming to the realization that being filled with oxytocin, natural endorphins, being sleep deprived, physically exhausted from giving birth and pumped full of adrenaline doesn’t leave much room for fleeing or fighting or even realizing that one might need to fight or to flee.

This research led to me doing an artshow with 6 mixed media works created during my healing process, to bring awareness about pregnancy, labor, childbirth and adoption practices titled Putting the Pieces Together with this artist statement:
“Putting the Pieces Together explores a mothers love and bond with her children. This show was inspired by the artists own personal experience with adoption and has led the artist to shed light on the way we think about adoption in this country.

Over the past several years she has taken the time to research the effects of pregnancy and hormones on the body and discovered that Oxytocin, known as the love hormone also creates feelings of trust, and along with that allows for trusting people one ordinarily wouldn’t. It can also cause feelings of fear.
She researched natural endorphins and found out they can have similar effects on the body as morphine and heroin. She read about adrenaline and its fight or flight response. It would seem obvious being sleep deprived, filled with oxytocin and natural endorphins doesn’t leave much room for fighting or fleeing or even realizing that one might need too. She looked up information on stress hormones and found out this ” “Levels of cortisol and norephinephrine increase in response to stress; these hormones also influence thought processes”. In the State of Florida a woman can sign away her maternal rights in as little as 7 hours after giving birth ( as experienced by the artist) The artist asks, “If those who stand to profit financially or emotionally through gaining a newborn baby to call their own are so sure the mother has made a choice then What is the Rush?

The First Piece created in the Putting the Pieces Together series is titled “Stargazing One” a cosmic interpretation of myself, his father and our biological son.  It is NOT FOR SALE. It belongs to our son when we are reunited in the future.  God speed little one.

Stargazing One