Misc. Feelings – I Am Only Human

One of the hardest things I’ve faced in producing this show is my own feelings.  Feelings of fear, of judgment, of inadequacy, of being misunderstood……of being misunderstood, of being VERY misunderstood.Side a

This show is not about anger, hate, divide, bullying, who is right, who is wrong.  It is NOT an anti adoption show.  It IS an educational show, it IS a supportive show, it IS a show to help mothers who WANT TO raise their own flesh and blood babies be able too by putting some money in the hands of the organization Saving Our Sisters that helps mothers with the temporary life challenges they are facing while being pregnant.

Something I have noticed time and time again in discussion with friends, people I associate with through the arts world, people I talk to in random locations is that it feels like society thinks the proverbial birthmother is some type of whore, prostitute, drug addict, person who lives on the streets, in short, in someway less than the rest of us.  It is exceptionally painful to hear sometimes, they  think I am the exception , not the rule.

In connecting with other mothers who after giving birth to their own child and previously having considered adoption and now NOT wanting to go through with it I have learned alot, I have felt not so alone.  I have found others who are pretty much ordinary average american women like me being denied perhaps their most primal biological instinctual urge, to mother thier own flesh and blood child they recently gave birth too. Women who for whatever personal reason were struggling, scared and did nothing wrong but sign a contract, a legal and binding document that says their baby can be given to other people to raise, people who pay high fees to an agencies and/or attorneys to obtain that contract.

Mothers who are grieving a monumental loss are faced with trying to fight for their child back which is pretty hard to do in some states in this country, Florida is one of them. Its even harder to do in a society which judges, condemns and makes assumptions about mothers for considering adoption in the first place. A society that thinks we must all be pieces of shit and treats us as such.  A society that demands we now prove ourselves as capable of mothering ( why don’t other pregnant woman have to prove they are worthy of mothering?) as if somehow signing that paper makes all our primal instincts and the basic fact that we are here, alive on this planet and have made it this far,  null and void.  I can attest, signing a paper does not in fact make any of the biological processes associated with pregnancy, labor, delievry, child birth and motherhood stop.

It doesn’t. Not one bit.  I think about things sometimes, fairly deeply.  Things like it would still be pretty easy to judge, ridicule, berate, and make me appear less worthy.   Right now I’m not employed at an outside job earning a regular paycheck, I’m working on my goal of starting a business, and organizing the benefit show I Am Only Human to support Saving our Sisters.  I can do this because one of my sons is covering household expenses until I get through this show. Its a FAMILY choice. It is a tremendous blessing, I wouldn’t have gotten through any of this without my 2 oldest sons.  Yes, I was a teenage mother and now they are in their 20’s and we all live together. So you know what…. I guess I did ok.  I’m prone to beat myself up but I’ve learned that when I start to…….I look at my resume and realize that in spite of dealing with an unspeakable level of grief I’ve accomplished an awful lot in the past few years.  That I feel good about.

I think “would I be here in this position if I had never considered adoption?”  Probably not. Grief takes a long time, processing things, learning things, takes a long time, learning how to adapt and overcome a body that is desperately seeking to complete the task of motherhood its programmed to do is hard and takes time, I don’t feel like the feeling will ever go away.  Learning to cope with it and accept it as part of my daily life has been pretty rough, as has wondering if my son feels the same way and can’t express it to anyone.

I’m not ashamed of where I am. I am grateful to every person who has helped me a long the way. Those who have let me cry, those who have opened their homes to me to stay with them when I really just couldn’t be alone, those who have given me the strength and support to make it through, sometimes only to the next day like it was in the first 2 years.  Do you know…..I cried every time I saw or heard a baby for almost 2 years? Even at my job?  Finally that has subsided, but still my heart stirs.  I’m grateful to all my artist friends and acquaintances who have encouraged me to stay the course and do the benefit show I Am Only Human which took place on May 14th.

I hope that the time and effort helps raise  funds for Saving Our Sisters and educates the public that mothers of adopted children and people who are adopted have feelings and are in fact human beings too.  Human beings who deserve every opportunity to stay together as a family and if they can’t, not be denied their entire identity.





Pictorial Review of Woodstock

Welcome to Woodstock, NY!  I’m happy to be here on such a gorgeous sunny winter day!

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I fell in love with these cards at Mirabai New Age Shop and picked up one for each of my children and one for myself!


This window is pretty enchanting

A #Fairy #farm #village??? #fabulous #window #art in #woodstock

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We enjoyed a free tour of the Woodstock Artist Association and Museum also known as the “Local Louvre”

and even picked up a couple of copie of The Bhagavad Gita in this adorable free library!

I hadn’t heard the relaxing sound of babbling brooks in ages!

A #Peaceful #babbling #brook in #Woodstock very #relaxing and #meditative.

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Adventures at Bard College

My friend and I were treated to lunch and a walk about at Bard College by her uncle. Being a retired architect he was very interested in showing us the new Fisher Center for the Performing Arts designed by the Architect Frank Gehry.  We were able to go inside the performing arts center and hoped to see a photography exhibit, sadly we were unable to find it.  Instead we wandered among the halls and got to see the curves and lines of the structure from the inside out.  I also took the liberty of peeking into a rehearsal space and saw some students practicing dancing.

#Magical #design by the #architect #frankgehry

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I found it refreshing and encouraging to be among students of music, art, theater and dance in these times where art is all but eliminated from children’s public school education. It felt comforting to know that there are parents out there who encourage and support their children following their own hearts and dreams pursing careers in the liberal arts and having faith they can earn a living through through creativity.

After taking a shivery walk around the grounds and checking out the performing arts facility we enjoyed a healthy buffet style lunch among the students and the facility then returned briskly to the car and headed for a quick peek at the Kaatsbaan Internation Dance Center which was pretty much closed, although we did get to speak to a lovely women who  invited us to take a peek through the window if we wished.  So, we did.