Where it Went Awry

Although very challenging at times and as one friend of mine says, my sons father “did a runner” I kept faith, I stayed positive, and frankly kept to myself alot. I worked on my website The Art of Being as a way to try to be self employed, pay the bills  and support my son on my own and be a stay at home mom.   I wasn’t trying to get rich or famous, just eek out a meager living.

In what feels like, one of the greatest ironies ever in mid April of 2012 my landlord knocked at the door on Friday night.  We talked about the rent being late and it was the first time he realized I was pregant.  I felt that we had come to an understanding that I would try to borrow the money or move as soon as possible.

The following morning a friend of mine knowledgeable in computers came over to help me with my website and see what we could do to up the marketing and searchability of it on the internet to produce sales.  Unfortunately during that time the landlord returned with his mother.  It was not pretty.  There was about 45 minutes of screaming at me about not telling them I was pregnant, (um excuse me…why is that your business?) being behind on the rent (I thought we covered that last night) I heard all about how they are good Christian people, ( apparently I was somehow shaming them).  I recall sitting in the chair outide across from my landlord while he yelled at me about all his problems with my with my hands instinctively over my pregnant belly.  I was accused of having my friend livng there, and of him being more than a friend.  ( Could they not see the blessing in recieving the help of a friend that would have cost me a whole lot of money if I had gone to an agency that does the same sort of thing?)  The apartment had been empty for 4 years before I moved in (I supposed I wasn’t really affecting their income) and my rent was only $300.  I felt like that was a miracle in and of itself, especially since it came into my life just after I found out I was pregnant.  (Could God  have put me there with such good Christian people as my landlords?) 

So, this story is getting longer than I wanted it to, so here we go, my friend was ordered to leave or be arrested for tresspassing and I was informed via screaming that the locks would be changed in a week and I would be locked out.  Of course writing this now I realize that they couldn’t really do that, but then in my very pregnant condition I became extremely stressed out and afraid to leave the house, lest I return and be locked out.

Sure adoption had passed through my mind during a few stressful moments in my pregnancy, I asked for information from another place during a moment of weakness, when it arrived in the mail the profiles looked icky, fake, insincere, they felt like advertisements, so with an attitude adjustment of when there’s a will there is a way, I threw them away and kept my faith strong. It took several calls to the agency to get them to stop sending them and calling me.  Eventually I had to be very rude, something I really hate to do.

Still I kept my faith.  Still I held out for a miracle.  Call me hokey if you like, I believe in miracles, the apartment came into my life just when I needed it, and thats when miracles come, when needed isn’t thatswhat makes them miracles?

As the weeks passed wondering when they were coming back,  I panicked and called an adoption attorney recommended to me by one of the student midwives involved in my prenatal care “for some information, just in case”.  Adoption was always an absolute last resort.  I will talk about WHY next in this blog.  I met the attorney in person around May 5, 2012, not even a month away from my Due date of June 2nd.  My son was born on May 21, 2012.  Just 16 days after I met the attorney.  (I shall forever wonder if the student midwife got a kickback or incentive for the referal).  

I ended up signing some prelimanary paperwork that I believed I had to sign in order to look at profiles and work with the attorney.  I found out after losing my son that I didn’t have to sign that paperwork at all.  It turned out to be a sort of preliminary adoption contract.  Its kind of ridiculous that the same attorney can explain paperwork to me ( the expectant mother considering adoption)  that is also going to to be same attorney ending up representing the adoptive parents and collecting a hefty sum of money from them also. How is that not a conflict of interest? Why are expectant mothers not given thier own legal representation?

I allowed the adoption attorney and the hopeful adoptive mother (who I only met one day before at my false labor) to attend the birth because I believed (wrong again) that I had at least 2 days after giving birth to make a choice.  My son went home with the woman who subsequently adopted him roughly 7 hours after he was born.  Frankly, its all pretty foggy.

It wasn’t until a few days later that I started realizing…. I don’t even remember much about any of it, and the little prayer I used to say to myself when I felt scared and confused entered my mind.  “Dear God, please show me the MOTHER and FATHER to raise my baby in Love and in Light” and it occurred to me, I had recieved my miracle and my answer, the only male present at our sons birth was his father.  There is a beautiful photograph waiting for my son to see of just moments after his birth.  I am holding him close and his father is ever so gently kissing the top of my head.  We sure don’t look like 2 people about to give a baby away, but that is what happened whether I was consciously aware of it or not.



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